


the last unicorn

by janie_tangerine



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Historical, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff and Crack, I Blame Tumblr, I Don't Even Know, Interspecies Romance, M/M, Oral Sex, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Rainbows, The Author Regrets Everything, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Unicorns, What Have I Done, this fic is as crack as it looks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-04
Updated: 2015-07-04
Packaged: 2018-04-06 02:46:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4205058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/janie_tangerine/pseuds/janie_tangerine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>where Theon is said last unicorn and Robb can assure you that the sex has its perks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [a_bittersweet_crow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_bittersweet_crow/gifts), [childofthewolves](https://archiveofourown.org/users/childofthewolves/gifts).



> Hi, I finished spamming you all with my unposted fics and this was specifically kept for last so I could finish with a bang.
> 
> Backstory: a couple months ago the theon tag had a bunch of drama related to headcanons and how legit or no certain headcanons were. An anon who subsequently got an account named magicalsparklyunicorntheon, bless their soul, came at me like 'my headcanon is that in truth Theon is a unicorn and Robb can call him to his aid while blowing a magical whistle'. Tumblr user charleywng chimed in with 'oh I thought we meant a different kind of blowing'. Now I am known to bite when I am shown a bone and I was like well why not ficcing it, at which tumblr user ayaawesome was like yes do it.
> 
> So. Here is 18th century-ish au fanfic where Robb blows said magic whistle first AND Theon later. No it has no shame, yes unicorn sex implies sparkles and rainbows and yes this is the crackiest shit I ever wrote for this fandom and no I don't even know what the fuck I was doing but here we go. I would beg you not to listen to the America song I stole the title from while reading this for your mental sanity but it's your choice. I own nothing except for the crack and maybe it's a good thing.

_“What’s wrong?” Robb Stark asks Theon one spring afternoon, a few years after Theon arrives in Winterfell._

_Theon Greyjoy shrugs and merely looks at the water pools in the godswood._

_“You can tell me, you know,” Robb presses, and Theon doesn’t look at him before taking a deep breath and moving just a bit closer._

_“There’s a reason why_  I _am here and not – my brothers. Or my sister.”_

_Robb keeps his mouth shut._

_“My father never really wanted me around.”_

_“What? And why’s that?”_

_“I shouldn’t tell you,” Theon sighs. “No, really, I shouldn’t. It’s – complicated. And the less people know, the better.”_

_“I’m not going to tell! I swear I won’t.”_

_Theon stares at him for a moment, and then –_

_“Fine. But I mean it. No one should know. Not your parents, not Jon, not – not anyone, all right?”_

_“Of course! I mean it when I swear things, Theon.”_

_Theon laughs, then stands up from the tree bark they had been sitting on._

_“Fine, fine, I’ll show you. Damn, this is going to be embarrassing.”_

_“Embarrassing? Why?”_

_“You’ll understand in a moment,” Theon says, and then – then Robb sees a flash of light._

–

“I don’t think you understand the situation,” Robb sighs, his hands held up. Damn, it had to be just his luck that he would choose  _this_  day to go around unarmed. Then again, he had been an idiot – who brings around supplies without weapons these days, especially when it’s obvious that his cart is full of food and clothes? Right, him, but it had been such a nice day, and it’s spring, and it’s warm, and he hadn’t wanted to bother with leather and swords and muskets and weapons generally.

“Really,” the masked guy with a gun pointed at him says, while his three friends laugh along. “Enlighten me.”

Robb doesn’t tell him  _I’m your liege lord’s firstborn_  because he knows that it wouldn’t mean zilch to them. “I’m bringing this food to an orphanage in White Harbor. Just on the outskirts of the city. Do you want to have children on your conscience?” And that’s also very true, for that matter, but obviously the four thieves start laughing.

Again.

Damn it.

“Nice story,” one of them says. “Next time I might even believe it.”

“Do you think I would go around bringing this much food with me otherwise?” Robb presses.

“Who cares. Your orphan kids are hardly the only ones starving, so – sorry, but I think you should get off your cart and leave it to us.”

Damn it. Robb shouldn’t be considering his last resort, but – if he leaves them the cart, he’ll be on his own, without food or water, and he’s plenty far from both Winterfell and White Harbor, and he can’t afford that. The night won’t be as warm as this afternoon for sure.

Well then.

“I don’t really think I will,” Robb says, and then grabs the whistle he keeps around his neck and blows in it just once.

For a moment, nothing happens.

“And  _that_  was supposed to scare us?” The first thief says again.

“No, not that,” Robb supplies. He shouldn’t be waiting for long. One, two, three –

That’s when a rainbow-colored blur appears in between the trees and hits the thief in the back, sending him flying on the other side of the road.

“ _This_  was supposed to get you off my back,” Robb finishes as the blur stops right beside the cart.

And –

He sees the thieves’ hands starting to shake around their weapons when they see the black unicorn with a golden horn standing right next to him.

“Wait. Is that –” One starts.

_“He_  is, yes,” Robb replies, casually petting the side of the unicorn’s head.

“But – but – they were extinct –” The other keeps on.

“Not as much as you thought, ser,” Robb finishes. “So, are you leaving or should I tell him to nail you against the next tree over?”

The unicorn sneers, and the thieves don’t need any other incentive – they turn their back on them and run away after a moment, and Robb sighs all over again as they leave – good. One problem less.

When he’s sure they’re far, he hops out of the cart and pets the side of the unicorn’s head all over again.

“Hey. Sorry for having called you for something this trivial, but – eh. I have supplies for an entire orphanage and I was without weapons, and it was more dignified than calling you anyway so you could give me a ride back home.”

Sometimes, Robb wonders how is it possible that unicorns can roll their eyes, but that’s exactly what happens – this, one moment before a flash of light momentarily blinds him.

When Robb blinks and his vision is clear again, there’s no unicorn in front of him anymore.

Or better, not technically.

“Of course you’d bring children food without taking weapons along,” Theon sighs as he reaches over and grabs Robb’s cloak. He ties it around his shoulders so that it wouldn’t be obvious to the passerby that he’s pretty much naked underneath. “Stark, will you ever stop being this trustful? That war ended six months ago.”

Robb doesn’t even try to justify himself.

“I know, I know, but it was too much work. And anyway, I was planning on making it up to you.”

“Oh, really. As in?”

“Well, I was going to get on my knees right now and thank you properly, and then if you want to come with me to White Harbor... I have clean clothes and I could buy you dinner and we could go to an inn after I deliver the food. How about that?”

Theon’s lips spread in a grin that leaves nothing to the imagination.

“Well, well, I think that you are on the right Path. Of course I am amenable to this plan. Please, I’m at your disposal.”

“Good. Then lean against that cart and don’t move, will you?”

Theon does, and Robb doesn’t waste time – he falls on his knees and opens up the gray cloak, and damn but he  _likes_  that Theon’s wearing his clothes. And he’s also halfway hard already, not that he hadn’t imagined it – in the years they’ve known each other  _this_  way, he learned that while unicorns in human form are pretty much the same as far as anatomy goes, there are some subtle differences.

For one, that at least  _this_  unicorn in human form has no problem getting to the point fairly quick. Not that Robb is in any hurry, also because of one of the other differences. Which is also a perk, to be quite honest.

He smiles to himself and gets down to work, his lips touching the head of Theon’s cock, his tongue starting to circle around it very slowly, his hands going to Theon’s hips. He tries not to go too fast – he keeps his tongue’s motions slow, taking more of Theon’s dick inside his mouth slowly but progressively, making sure to savor the way he grows harder against his tongue the more Robb goes on. And the thing is, he loves doing this, and it’s not just because of how damned responsive Theon is to the swipes of his tongue or to the way he might sometime delicately use his teeth to scrape just a tiny bit. It’s all of that, too.

But it’s also that – all right, he did say there were _differences_ before, and one of them is that it just tastes  _really good,_  which is something he couldn’t really explain to anyone without dying of embarrassment. Also because he can’t compare the taste in question to anything, he has never had anything to eat or drink that somehow was comparable. But – it’s just good.

When Theon’s hands go to his hair and grip at it, he smiles and just keeps on flickering his tongue the way he knows Theon really likes, and – right, yes, the moment Theon finally tugs on his curls and presses his face forward Robb just goes with it – yes, great, that’s exactly what he was hoping for. Fine, he can’t breathe through his mouth at all and he can feel spit coming down from the corner of his mouth, and his jaw will hurt at some point soon, but as he feels pre-come touch his tongue he just licks at it and lets Theon move his head the way he prefers. He’s done it enough times that he knows he won’t choke, and when Theon’s cock touches his throat he can feel how painfully hard he is in his own breeches, but one thing at a time. Theon tugs at his hair again and again and he’s so hard, Robb knows that he might come soon, but that’s perfectly fine – he wants him to. Possibly in his mouth. And when he doesn’t move Theon probably gets it, because he only relaxes his hold on Robb’s hair enough that he can move back so that he doesn’t risk choking when Theon does come.

And then Robb sucks at the tip again, just once, and Theon goes rigid and  _yes there it is_ , and damn but Robb really likes this part best, because one moment Theon’s not moving at all and the second he’s coming in Robb’s mouth and he’s in the exact best position to swallow most of it.

It’s not just that it tastes good. Because it does. Damn if it is – Robb never even was tempted to spit it once in his life. It’s also that he loves watching the show, because if he looks up, he can see Theon’s skin glowing ever so slightly, and he sees sparkles appearing out of nowhere all around them, and if you stare at them hard enough they’ll look like some kind of lights forming a rainbow.

Robb kind of always loved watching that happen, and he looks upwards as he swallows down, and when Theon pulls out of him and is still half-hard, he just stands up, kisses him before he can object and then puts a hand on his cock and strokes him through completion until he’s completely spent against him. He doesn’t break the kiss until he’s sure of that, and then he smiles as he leans back and licks his hand clean.

Theon takes deep breaths and then opens his eyes and looks at him – his cheeks are flushed, his hair is kind of sparkling as well regardless of the dark color, he looks really damn good and he’s completely breathless, which means Robb did his job right.

“You do know your mouth is  _sparkling_ , don’t you?”

“Sure I do. It won’t be when we get to White Harbor, I know that as well. And it’s totally worth it. So, shall we? I really want to get to that inn and continue this charming conversation.”

“Wait, don’t you want a hand?”

“Oh, I can survive until this evening. It will make things a lot more entertaining, won’t we? There are clothes in the green sack.”

“Well, if you put it like _this_ , Stark, I’ll come to your inn. Also, we should do that a lot more often.”

“It won’t be me complaining.”

Theon snorts and goes to grab his clothes – when he sits down next to Robb, he’s wearing nondescript Stark gray breeches and shirt and nothing else. But it’s fine – he never suffered the cold much.

“Right,” he says, his hand covering Robb’s. “You can go.”

Robb threads their fingers together and thinks that he can’t wait for the evening to arrive.

Patience if  his mother might keep on wondering why he’s not looking for a lady wife for a lot longer.

–

_“Listen, you have to go,” Robb tells him, and Theon shakes his head._

  _“Come on, they would know that you let me leave. I can’t ask this of you, not when your father might not come back home –”_

_“Theon, if he doesn’t and if your dad does something stupid like everyone is suspecting, people might ask me to take your head, and I’m not doing it. Never mind that really, you should never have been – caged like this.”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_“I mean – just go be yourself. The woods are huge. If someone sees you, I doubt they’d try killing you. Don’t even go home, not if your father doesn’t get it. You – your kind – whatever, Luwin always said that you were meant to be free and not to be kept with humans and that’s why you’re the only one left, probably, and it was always obvious that you hate being stuck in one place. Go, all right? No one has to know.”_

_Theon stares at him for a moment, as if he’s pondering what Robb has just said, and then –_

_Right, Robb hadn’t expected for Theon to throw his arms around his shoulders for a moment, and then the idiot moves back too quickly to reciprocate, but he’s also trying not to cry when he leans back. Robb is going to cut him some slack._

_“Fine. But – wait.”_

_And then Theon reaches for his neck and hands Robb this necklace that he’s always kept hidden under his shirt. Which, now that Robb notices it, isn’t just a simple chain._

_“What do I do with a whistle?”_

_Theon sighs. “That’s – complicated. It’s – my mother, she was the one who passed that on to me. Unicorns, uh, we can, tie each other to humans. If we want. She gave that to me saying that it was for my own benefit because if my father had it he might have used it one day even if he hated that I wasn’t all human, and that I should think hard before considering giving it to anyone else. But – that was – just take it. It’s – if you blow that, I’ll find you wherever you are and I’ll get there soon. Very soon.”_

_“Theon, you don’t have to –”_

_“Robb, I want you to have it. All right?”_

_Robb takes it, trying not to shed a few tears himself. “All right. I swear I won’t abuse it.”_

_“I don’t doubt that,” Theon smiles, “but I never said it was a problem.”_

_“Wait, what?”_

_“Stark, damn it, I mean that you can call whenever in the seven hells you wish. You can take advantage of it as much as you want, I won’t be the one saying no.”_

_And then he winks at Robb, there’s that flash of light and a second later he’s not there anymore._

_The skin on Robb’s hands, though, is sparkling. When the sunlight hits his palms, Robb can’t help thinking that it looks like they turned into small rainbows for a moment._

_He smiles, puts the whistle around his neck and heads back home._

 

End _._


	2. extra surprise porn chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which extra pwp things happen. Really, that's it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm cleaning my tumblr of fics/ficlets I didn't repost. I was going back and realized that someone asked some porn sequel to this fucking ridiculous thing. I complied. AT THIS POINT I'm just reposting it here I mean what's dignity? Idk, but I'm 99% sure I lost it a long time ago. Really, this is exact the same stuff as the previous part. UNICORN. PORN. I WARNED YOU. It has rainbows. And sparkles. YOU. WERE. WARNED.

“Are you sure we shouldn’t, you know,  _change_  inns once in a while?” Theon asks as they finally walk inside their room.

“Nonsense,” Robb replies cheerfully. “First, Jeyne is never going to sell you out on account that she knows the both of us, and Sansa is about the one person in the family who  _knows_  that I let you go back in the day and I doubt she’s ever going to spill. Stands to reason that her best friend isn’t going to say a thing. And she runs a  _nice_  inn, why would I want to change?”

“Wait, what, your sister  _knows_?”

“She came to me the next day and said it was obvious to anyone who wanted to see it but she thought it was the most chivalrous thing anyone could have ever done and she was  _charmed_. Don’t worry, she also agrees with me every time the topic of  _finding myself a wife_ comes up.”

“Really. And how does she agree with you?”

“Well, whenever I say I’m too young and there’s all the time in the world to think about it  _later_  she always sides with me.”

“That excuse isn’t going to hold up forever, you know.”

“Maybe, but as long as it does I think I’ll chance it.  _Now_ , didn’t you agree to  _lend me a hand_  back in the woods or are you going to let me suffer all evening?”

“Ah, yes, now that you’re mentioning it.” Theon grins not too subtly and then moves up to him, quicker than a mere human would, but it’s not like anyone else is here to notice that. “I guess I  _could_.”

“Well, whenever you like,” Robb grins, leaning back on his elbows. The bed is fairly comfortable at least, which is going to be good after sleeping on a cart for two days, and he’s entirely ready for it when Theon undoes his belt and throws it away on the ground.

“Damn,” Theon says as his hand skims over Robb’s groin, “you  _really_ need a hand here.”

“Hey, I held out this long but I’m only human.”

“Yeah, a tiny disadvantage.” Theon snorts, then he moves up on top of Robb and his hand skims down past his waistband and into his smallclothes until he’s wrapping his fingers around Robb’s cock, and at that Robb lets out a moan of relief because he hadn’t exactly relieved himself any in the last few hours and he’s  _been_  hard for the last few hours, good thing that no one noticed under the four layers of clothing he had been wearing.

“And it’s been like this since the clearing?” Theon asks, his fingers giving one single stroke which is way too slow for Robb’s tastes.

“Yes,” he groans, his hands going up to Theon’s elbows.

“Are you sure you’re  _only_  human?”

“And are you sure you’re not the biggest tease in the bloody Seven Kingdoms?”

Theon just smirks and gives him another stroke, and the last word comes out a lot less sarcastic than he had wanted it to be.

“I think,” he says after, “that this calls for more than  _one hand_.”

Robb bites down a curse when Theon moves away and pushes down his own breeches and smallclothes, but a moment later Theon has grabbed him by the arms and they’re on the bed, Theon’s knees straddling at his thighs.

“I think I like what you’re thinking.”

“Good,” Theon mutters against Robb’s mouth, and then slides up against him as they kiss - one of his hands moves downwards, fingers touching both of their erections as he moves again slow enough to not make either of them come at the spot but still,  _enough_  to give Robb some friction. Robb keeps his eyes open at that - Theon’s skin is starting to glow just a tiny bit again. He brings one of his hands up to Theon’s hair, running his fingers through the softness of it.

“Stark,” Theon mutters after biting down on his lip, his hand still slowly, carefully giving tiny strokes, “you  _do_  realize that we’re not in a clearing, right?”

“I closed the binds,” Robb shrugs. “And it’s raining. Even if someone  _sees_  something, well. You get my meaning.”

“Or you could just let me do the work.”

“Well, yes, but I like it,” Robb moans as Theon gives his cock a longer, harder stroke.

“People would say you have strange tastes,” Theon snorts against his mouth before leaning down and kissing him all over again. Robb kisses back, his hand still running through Theon’s hair, and he can see a few sparkles die in the darkness of the room.

“I’d answer that I couldn’t care less. Come on, really, no one is going to see a thing. You can stop holding it in.”

“As if,” Theon mutters, but then he leans down for another kiss and his skin glows just a tiny bit more. His fingers are still wrapped around both of their erections, and Robb can’t help moaning into Theon’s mouth without much shame - he’s not going to last much longer. He knows he won’t.

He keeps his eyes open as Theon goes on and on, still keeping a fairly slow rhythm - he can feel him getting harder with every stroke, and  _that_  is what is going to throw him over the edge. He was already worn thin, but feeling it is making his stomach flip upwards, and then he feels Theon’s breath hitch the moment he arches his hips upwards, and -

And then Theon bites down on his lip as his fingers give one long, determined stroke and Robb just - just lets go, feeling Theon’s frame shake over him as he comes all over his hand while Theon’s still plenty hard, and his skin is glowing a tiny bit more under Robb’s hands and  _fuck_  but the way Theon’s stroking him through it is making all the wait entire worth it, considering that now he has no quibbles about going slow. By the time he’s completely spent, he feels boneless, Theon’s fingers are still wrapped around his cock and he can see sparkles in the back of the room. He smiles and lets Theon’s arm go.

“What are you -”

“You’re fairly close,” Robb hums against his mouth, “and I’m not the kind who leaves their partner wanting.”

“That I know,” Theon rasps. “Still, I think this isn’t  _entirely_  selfless of you.”

“Absolutely not,” Robb admits without a problem, his hand sneaking in between them. “I don’t see you complaining.”

“Considering that it means I don’t have to live in chastity, I guess I won’t,” Theon keeps on, leaning back just a bit.

“Oh, right, far from me to condemn you to such a life.” Robb laughs, and then he starts stroking at Theon’s cock in return, keeping his eyes wide open and savoring the moment - the room is dark but he can still see enough thanks to that dim glow, and he doesn’t try to take it slow. They’ll have time later to do it again, he figures - when he arches his hips upwards all over again so that Theon has more friction, Theon moans out loud and says something about being close, and Robb pays  _even more_  attention.

He really would have hated to miss the moment - when Theon finally goes still for a second before his fingers dig into his shoulder and he comes against his hand, for a single moment Robb sees colors flash against the wall of the inn, and sparkles appear and disappear for a few seconds before the room goes dark again. Theon isn’t coming as hard as before, but that went unsaid - it’s still enough, and when he falls on top of Robb, his hand is sticky and the two of them are as well, and - fine, he’ll go fetch the bowl of water that is somehow always ready in the room Jeyne gives them every time. Just not now.

Theon looks up at him - the glow is dim, but still enough to decipher his expression.

“Don’t tell me you’re going to -”

Robb doesn’t let him finish and licks his own hand clean - Theon’s pupils go wider just a tiny fraction.

“Shit, you  _really_  know how to wreck a man, don’t you?”

Robb smirks. “Not my fault if doing this with you has  _perks_.”

“Perks. Anyone else wouldn’t see them as such.”

“Too bad, and better for me. So, should I go get the water or -”

“Wait,” Theon interrupts. “Knowing the both of us, we’ll need it later.”

Robb smirks as Theon kisses him without letting him answer.

They can’t finish that water now, indeed. All the same, he hopes that they’ll need it much, much later.

 

End.


End file.
